Kick the “I’m Sorries” to the Curb

I read an interesting article in Psychology Today called The Case of the Disappearing Self.   (I find it so fascinating that when an idea is percolating in

my head, I attract all sorts of information about it!)   I had been stewing about how as women, and especially as spirit-centered women, we tend to self-deprecate to the point of reducing our value in others eyes.  We say “I’m sorry,” way to often, to our detriment.

Obviously there is a time and a place for an apology, and it takes a big person to make that step.  That’s not what I’m talking about here.  As just a basic example, I was in the grocery store the other day with my big stroller, and I accidentally rammed into another woman and her child.  I didn’t see her, and I was mortified.  I turn to her to excuse myself, and before I can even open my mouth she said, “Oh! I am so sorry!  I’m right in the way, aren’t I!  I’ll move over…sorry!”  Wow.  She kept apologizing to me as I rolled around, and it turned into an ‘I’m sorry’ competition between me, the clumsy one and her, the innocent bystander.

After that incident I started paying attention to how often I say sorry for no good reason.  I do it often while shopping even if I’m not in the way.  But I also did it on the phone with a potential business partner: “Sorry to bother you…”  And in a meeting with a colleague: “Oh, sorry, did I interrupt..?”  Yikes.  That was just over three days.  I am an apologizing fool.

The article explains how bright women especially fall prey to this distinct form of self-sabotage.  They often have “erroneous beliefs about their own abilities.”  And so to deflect attention, their modesty often goes above and beyond and becomes self-effacement.

Can you think of any man you know that does this?  It’s quite distinctly a feminine quirk. And it completely devalues us in other’s eyes and in our own.  We believe modesty is a likable quality, and research shows that it is.   But the article goes on to say that while self-effacing individuals are better-liked, they also are viewed as less confident and less competent than those that exhibit self-enhancing behavior.

So my coach’s request for you is this:  ladies, fierce feminine warriors that we are,  let’s stop the ‘I’m sorries’ for no good reason.  We don’t need to apologize when someone bumps into us.  We don’t need to apologize when we need to speak with our employer.  We deserve time set aside for us in conversations with business partners and clients.  We have a right to have our voice. We deserve the spotlight on our unique brilliance without apology or modesty.  So let’s stand in our power, shine light on our gift, and not let anyone diminish it, even and especially our own selves.

 

Stay tuned to the blog; next week I’ll get down and dirty on how to shore up our beliefs about our awesome selves once and for all.  Once your beliefs are in alignment with your Spirit and Identity, you are unstoppable!

Tagged as: business, power, spirit, women